Remember when you were encouraged to focus on people’s similarities? Well, unfortunately, that was bad advice.

Well-intentioned, to be sure, but unhelpful in progressing your goal to be more inclusive.

Here’s why.

When we focus on what we and others have in common, we overlook the very things that make us and them different. We fail to see or acknowledge difference. And when it doesn’t come up in conversation, or we are unable to hear it, then there is a very slim chance that we will actually embrace or value it – which happens to be a cornerstone of inclusivity.

Okay – enough theory. Here’s what focusing on similarity looks like in practice:

Michelle: Hi Paul, how was your weekend?

Paul: It was good. My partner and I had a marathon Netflix binge.

Michelle: Oh, I love that. Have you watched House of Cards?

Paul: Not yet.

Michelle: What about Stranger Things?

Paul: No, we’re actually documentary lovers

Michelle: You should definitely check out House of Cards though – such a good one.

What did I learn? Paul likes documentaries. Nothing further than that. What did Paul learn? I was only interested in him in the context of myself. In other words, what he had to say was interesting to me as long as it jived with my experiences.

Let’s try it again, this time acknowledging difference.

Paul: It was good. My partner and I had a marathon Netflix binge.

Michelle: What’s your favourite show?

Paul: I love the documentary 13th on the topic of race and racism in America

Michelle: What draws you to that topic?

Paul: I’ve experienced a lot of subtle racism in my life – being followed around stores or pulled over for no reason. I love that this film takes a look at the deeper reasons to why that happens and what needs to be done to change it.

By asking questions, I learned something much more powerful about Paul – that he has experienced racism and cares deeply about understanding why it happens and how to overcome. It gives me a lens into his different experience, what’s meaningful to him, and what he values. Crucial knowledge to getting to know him beyond the surface, stereotypes or my perception of who he is or ought to be.

Being inclusive means getting to know people for who they really are and being open and welcoming of what comes up. It’s not contingent on us having anything in common.

So, in your conversations today, be mindful of your instinct to find similarities with others. 

… and ask yourself:

1. What is it that makes me feel more comfortable finding similarity than creating space for difference?

2. What is my natural reaction when someone raises something that I can’t relate to?

   a. What do I say? Do? Think?

3. What would I rather my reaction be?